12 of the 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this
formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."